Post by WitchBoy on May 1, 2002 7:39:46 GMT -5
On Today's Jerry Springer Show: Who's My Baby's Daddy?
Jerry: "Hello, everybody, and welcome to the show. Our first guest is Dana Scully, a medical doctor and an FBI agent. Welcome, Dana!"
==Audience applauds==
Jerry: "Why don't you tell us what's going on?"
Scully: "Well, I've been with this guy for seven years and I love him a lot."
Jerry: "Then why are you here?"
Scully: "I'm here to tell him he may not be my baby's daddy."
Audience: Gasp! Boo, hiss.
Scully: "And, it may be alien."
Stunned silence.
Jerry: "Uh, okay. Well, let's bring him out. Fox Mulder, everybody!"
==Audience applauds. Mulder comes out, takes the chair next to Scully. She takes his hands==
Scully: "Now, baby, you know I love you and everything like that. We been through a lot and all, chasin' aliens and what-not, but there's something I gotta tell you. I don't think you my baby's daddy."
==Mulder rips his hands from hers, looks shocked==
Audience: Boooo! Boooo!
Mulder: "What! How could you do this? You whore! Who is it, who you been @#$%^&*?!"
Jerry: "Well, let's bring him out! Welcome Cancer Man, everybody!"
==Cancer Man struts onto stage, gesturing and pointing, gangsta-style, at Mulder and at the audience==
Cancer Man: "That's right, that's right, wassup! It's me, I'm the man. I been ALL up in that, uh-huh! Whaddya gonna do about it?"
Audience: Ewwwww! Boooo!
==Mulder goes for Cancer Man's throat. Steve holds him back. Cancer Man continues to taunt him:==
Cancer Man: "Yeah, that's right! You wasn't man enough, dawg, so I just did what I had to do!"
Mulder: (to Scully) "What the #&*% is wrong with you? How could you do this to me, you slut!"
==Audience, cheering: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!==
Scully: "No, no, baby, it wasn't like that! He drugged me and done something to me while I was out! You know I wouldn't never *&%^ him, look at him! Ick!"
Cancer Man: "That wasn't what you said last night!"
Audience: Oooh! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry: "All right, everybody settle down, take your seats."
==All three take their seats on the stage, Scully in the middle==
Jerry: "But that's not all there is to this story, right?"
Scully: "That's right. I have actually been sleeping with somebody else."
Audience: Gasp! Boo, boo!
==Mulder tries to b*tch-slap her. Steve holds him back.==
Jerry: "Well, let's bring 'em out. The Lone Gunmen, everybody!"
==The Lone Gunmen come out dressed like Devo. They're in disguise since they're on national television.==
==Puzzled silence.==
Mulder: "What?! All three of them?"
Cancer Man: "You actually had SEX with them?! All I had was a tender moment with a turkey baster! You b*tch!"
Audience: Stunned silence.
==Mulder, Cancer Man and the Lone Gunmen go after each other. The audience cheers. Steve and company keep the peace. Everyone finally settles in their seats==
Jerry:(to Scully) "But you're not the only here with secrets."
Mulder: "That's right! You're not the only one screwing around! I've been playing hide the salami with somebody else for the past seven years!"
Audience: Gasp!
Scully: "What?! Who? I'll kill her!"
Jerry: "Come on out!"
==Assistant Director Skinner comes out. He's in full-drag, as Scully, with super-high heels and a red wig. He and Mulder share a long, wet smooch==
Audience: Eeewwww!
Scully:(shocked) "Sir!?"
Skinner:(in his best drag queen voice) "That's right, honey! Why settle for the rest when you can have the best? This is my man, he has been from the beginning!"
Scully: "You b*tch!"
==Scully tries to drop kick him. Steve holds her back==
Jerry: "And now it's time for my final thought. Relationships with the ones you love can be difficult. But does the answer really lie with alien DNA or FBI Assistant Directors in drag? Only you can know where your heart truly lies. But when you're bringing a child into this world, it's best that both . . .uh. . .ALL the parents work together to ensure that child grows up healthy and strong, in order to provide excellent slave labor when the alien invasion comes."
==Stunned silence==
Jerry: "But until then, take care of yourself, and each other. Goodbye, everybody!"
Jerry: "Hello, everybody, and welcome to the show. Our first guest is Dana Scully, a medical doctor and an FBI agent. Welcome, Dana!"
==Audience applauds==
Jerry: "Why don't you tell us what's going on?"
Scully: "Well, I've been with this guy for seven years and I love him a lot."
Jerry: "Then why are you here?"
Scully: "I'm here to tell him he may not be my baby's daddy."
Audience: Gasp! Boo, hiss.
Scully: "And, it may be alien."
Stunned silence.
Jerry: "Uh, okay. Well, let's bring him out. Fox Mulder, everybody!"
==Audience applauds. Mulder comes out, takes the chair next to Scully. She takes his hands==
Scully: "Now, baby, you know I love you and everything like that. We been through a lot and all, chasin' aliens and what-not, but there's something I gotta tell you. I don't think you my baby's daddy."
==Mulder rips his hands from hers, looks shocked==
Audience: Boooo! Boooo!
Mulder: "What! How could you do this? You whore! Who is it, who you been @#$%^&*?!"
Jerry: "Well, let's bring him out! Welcome Cancer Man, everybody!"
==Cancer Man struts onto stage, gesturing and pointing, gangsta-style, at Mulder and at the audience==
Cancer Man: "That's right, that's right, wassup! It's me, I'm the man. I been ALL up in that, uh-huh! Whaddya gonna do about it?"
Audience: Ewwwww! Boooo!
==Mulder goes for Cancer Man's throat. Steve holds him back. Cancer Man continues to taunt him:==
Cancer Man: "Yeah, that's right! You wasn't man enough, dawg, so I just did what I had to do!"
Mulder: (to Scully) "What the #&*% is wrong with you? How could you do this to me, you slut!"
==Audience, cheering: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!==
Scully: "No, no, baby, it wasn't like that! He drugged me and done something to me while I was out! You know I wouldn't never *&%^ him, look at him! Ick!"
Cancer Man: "That wasn't what you said last night!"
Audience: Oooh! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry: "All right, everybody settle down, take your seats."
==All three take their seats on the stage, Scully in the middle==
Jerry: "But that's not all there is to this story, right?"
Scully: "That's right. I have actually been sleeping with somebody else."
Audience: Gasp! Boo, boo!
==Mulder tries to b*tch-slap her. Steve holds him back.==
Jerry: "Well, let's bring 'em out. The Lone Gunmen, everybody!"
==The Lone Gunmen come out dressed like Devo. They're in disguise since they're on national television.==
==Puzzled silence.==
Mulder: "What?! All three of them?"
Cancer Man: "You actually had SEX with them?! All I had was a tender moment with a turkey baster! You b*tch!"
Audience: Stunned silence.
==Mulder, Cancer Man and the Lone Gunmen go after each other. The audience cheers. Steve and company keep the peace. Everyone finally settles in their seats==
Jerry:(to Scully) "But you're not the only here with secrets."
Mulder: "That's right! You're not the only one screwing around! I've been playing hide the salami with somebody else for the past seven years!"
Audience: Gasp!
Scully: "What?! Who? I'll kill her!"
Jerry: "Come on out!"
==Assistant Director Skinner comes out. He's in full-drag, as Scully, with super-high heels and a red wig. He and Mulder share a long, wet smooch==
Audience: Eeewwww!
Scully:(shocked) "Sir!?"
Skinner:(in his best drag queen voice) "That's right, honey! Why settle for the rest when you can have the best? This is my man, he has been from the beginning!"
Scully: "You b*tch!"
==Scully tries to drop kick him. Steve holds her back==
Jerry: "And now it's time for my final thought. Relationships with the ones you love can be difficult. But does the answer really lie with alien DNA or FBI Assistant Directors in drag? Only you can know where your heart truly lies. But when you're bringing a child into this world, it's best that both . . .uh. . .ALL the parents work together to ensure that child grows up healthy and strong, in order to provide excellent slave labor when the alien invasion comes."
==Stunned silence==
Jerry: "But until then, take care of yourself, and each other. Goodbye, everybody!"
