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Post by WitchBoy on May 4, 2002 18:45:42 GMT -5
End of The World
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
'BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
;D
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Post by WitchBoy on May 4, 2002 18:47:25 GMT -5
Stressed Out?
Feeling Stressed Out?
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?
;D
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Post by WitchBoy on May 4, 2002 18:51:07 GMT -5
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Rats, there go the lights again...
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here? - I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
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Post by WitchBoy on May 4, 2002 18:54:30 GMT -5
Most of you will be familiar with the more popular and well-researched totem spirits like wolves, bears and eagles. But you might be one of those countless millions whose true totem is actually one of the less well-known creatures
Jellyfish - are you wet, spineless and drifting aimlessly on the tides of life/ If so this may be your inner totem. If you are also rather poisonous and unsavoury, you might have the sub-totem of Portuguese Man- o-war.
Funnel Spider - prone to weaving convoluted plots to entrap people? Do you suck your victims dry then spit them out? Love skulking in shadows? Then surely you must be one of the spider people.
Blowfish - are you prickly, unappetising and full of hot air? Then look no further than the humble but deadly blowfish spirit.
Three-toed sloth - bone idle, prone to mooching around all day doing bugger all beyond looking vacant and inoffensive? Then this tree hugger must be your spirit guide.
Gerbil - small, easily overlooked and often found with your nose jammed up someone's backside? Then it's time to light incense to the Great Gerbil Spirit.
Snail - do you retreat back into your shell at the least provocation? Are you soft, frequently crushed by the actions of people who barely realise that you even exist? Do your thought processes leave a trail that is all too easily followed? Perhaps it's time to summon the Mighty Mollusc.
Chihuahua - are you an insignificant runt who compensates by yapping incessantly and snapping at anything bigger or more impressive than yourself? If so take a walk down Mexico way to find your soul's expression.
Tapeworm - do you just love getting under people's skin, irritating the hell out of them? Do you keep on taking, but never give anything in exchange? Do you believe the world owes you a free lunch? Then look no further than this Spirit Within.
Future articles will explore the spiritual dimensions of the earwig, the amoeba, the cockroach and the PE teacher.
;D
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Post by WitchBoy on May 4, 2002 18:58:31 GMT -5
Murphy's Laws of Combat
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
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Post by Teej on May 6, 2002 15:56:03 GMT -5
ha ha Oh my gosh those were hilarious!! I loved the things you never want to hear during surgery ones. ;D
Teej
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Post by WitchBoy on May 7, 2002 11:05:38 GMT -5
got this one from kat -
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
;D
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