Even more Jokes :)

[WitchBoy]

You Know That You Are Too Drunk When...

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. You fall off the floor...

13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi,my name is... uh..."

17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

19. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

21. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

22. Roseanne looks good.

23. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

25. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

26. I'm as jober as a sudge.

27. Everything is drunk when you're funny

28. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

29. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

;D

[WitchBoy]

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three
women give her this subtle "Well...?"
Finally she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, sexy, antler wearing, body building pagan.
When he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God.'"
;D

[WitchBoy]

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... Then you'll see what its like."

;D

[WitchBoy]

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead is easy." replied the Jewish Samurai. "Circumcision...now that takes skill!"

;D

[WitchBoy]

RELATIONSHIP BUTTONS
1. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
2. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
3. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
4. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

GENERAL LIFE
5. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
6. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
7. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
8. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

OFFICE BUTTONS
10. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
11. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
13. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

GREAT INSULT BUTTONS
14. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

[WitchBoy]

If Women Ruled The World

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.

[WitchBoy]

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.


1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4] "Hi. Now you say something."

5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

7] "Hello! If you leave message, I'll call you soon.
If you leave a *sexy* message, I'll call sooner!

8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows,hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

10] "This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now,because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

[WitchBoy]

The young are becoming smarter and smarter!

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[WitchBoy]

You might be a Redneck Jedi Warrior if:


You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You ever fell in love with your sister.

You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.

In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just "ain't right."
;D

[Freya]

Grand! tee hee!! *giggles* Those were funny!!

[Teej]

Ha ha.  Pretty damn funny man!  


Teej

[GalleksieBunny]

[glow=purple,2,300]*giggles* sweet dudicus...
but DAMN...I lose arguments with objects...some of em are really smart ya know!!!
but..um...are you telling me that the Four Basic Food Groups AREN'T Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Men and Women!??!!??!!?!?!?!

PLUR and kisses [/glow]

[Freya]

Oh dear god..there she goes

[Nemesis]

Cewl piece-a-work mate! Cheerzz

[GalleksieBunny]

Freya said:

Oh dear god..there she goes

now WHAT is THAT sposda mean!?!?
hmmmmmmmm Freya!?!?!

well PLUR and kisses